Break(ing)

I feel very broken.

I feel like at some point over the last few months, I just shattered.  Like a giant mirror falling off the wall, I hit the ground hard and shattered into a million pieces that someone will inevitably find when they're not wearing shoes.

I'm taking a break from social media, mostly Facebook and Twitter.  This is hard because I run both social media accounts for my job and I'm involved with a production that posts frequent updates on Facebook.  I'm actively not reading messages or comments or posts from friends though.  Facebook is a bouquet of happiness and the more I read, I realize a lot of it is not real.  People post their best moments, pictures, quotes and leave out most of the hard stuff.  I was having a problem with only posting hard stuff so it was time to step away for a minute.

I'm breaking away from bringing work home with me from two out of three jobs.  There was a time where every rude remark, every sideways glance, every slight would send me into a tizzy.  I can barely stand one job.  I dread going there because I know that I don't matter.  It's been showcased time and time again that what I say, what I do, what I think doesn't make an ounce of difference.  There is a gross double standard that exists for me and only me and it's played out in banishment from the building when I'm not working, a lack of support when there's a problem, and a general disdain for how I feel.  If I didn't like extra play money, I would have walked away months ago.  Unfortunately for me, I like buying stupid shit on Amazon so I'll clock back in during my next shift and actively hate being there.

I've started the process of breaking off toxic friendships.  I have people in my life that will never answer the phone.  I can call them when I'm sobbing and lost and at the end of my rope so I can listen to their voice mail.  I don't need a voice mail, I need a person.  Them not calling or texting back until they need or want something is the hardest part.  So slowly, I disappear.  I don't reach out as much.  I don't try and make plans.  In the process of this, I've made new friends in people I may not have reached out to otherwise.

I'm on a break from my relationship.  This man has been my best friend, my go-to, my constant for three and a half years.  I've been steadily gaining speed on being my absolute worst for the last two years and both of us finally snapped.  I need to figure out how to be a friend again.  I miss my number one.

I've started picking up the pieces.  You know how when a mirror breaks, there are a bunch of little pieces but then there's jagged chunks that are still recognizable but you can't see the whole reflection anymore?  I feel like I'm picking up those big pieces right now and when I do, I can see parts of the person I was before the mirror broke but it's not whole.  In order to get it back to the full reflection, I need to piece back together all those tiny little shards.  Those little things we suck up with the vacuum, thinking they don't matter, until we try and glue the mirror back together and realize there are blemishes that distort what people see.  This repair will take a lot of glue and time and patience to put it back together.